„Liebe gedeiht nicht von Ledgers“: Die Punktzahl in Beziehungen behält den Rückgang der Vorboten ab, studiert die Studie. Eine langfristige Studie mit Paaren in Deutschland ergab, dass, wenn die Partner etwas als Gegenleistung für Gefälligkeiten oder Opfer erwarteten, ihre Zufriedenheit im Laufe der Zeit tendenziell zurückging.

I’ve linked to the news release in the post above. In this comment, for those interested, here’s the link to the peer reviewed journal article:

“Pay Me Back”: Testing the Implications of Long-Term Changes and Partner Similarity in Exchange Orientation Within Intimate Relationships

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672251330700

From the linked article:

**“Love doesn’t thrive on ledgers”: Keeping score in relationships foreshadows decline, study finds**

People often say relationships should be fair. But new research suggests that keeping score may actually backfire. **A long-term study of couples in Germany found that when partners expected something in return for favors or sacrifices, their satisfaction tended to decline over time**. The study was published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Relationship researchers have long distinguished between two broad mindsets: communal and exchange orientations. A communal approach involves caring for a partner’s needs without expecting direct repayment. By contrast, an exchange orientation involves a sense of keeping score. A person might expect their partner to repay a favor, match effort, or show appreciation in proportion to what was given.

Across the full sample, the researchers observed that most individuals became less exchange-oriented as their relationships matured. In other words, over time, people were less likely to expect direct repayment or acknowledgment for sacrifices made in the relationship. This overall shift away from transactional thinking suggests that romantic partners may gradually adopt a more communal mindset as their bond deepens.

Importantly, the speed of this shift mattered. People who showed slower declines in exchange orientation were also more likely to experience steeper drops in relationship satisfaction over the years. This pattern held true even when controlling for initial satisfaction levels. It suggests that clinging to a transactional mindset may interfere with the natural development of emotional intimacy.

The researchers also examined more immediate changes within individuals. They found that when a person’s exchange orientation increased from their usual level at a given time point, their relationship satisfaction tended to drop—both in that moment and two years later. These time-lagged effects support the idea that expecting something in return may gradually wear down relationship quality.

I can’t even imagine a healthy relationship where you and your partner „keep score“ in any kind of serious way… The only reason I can come up with to do that crap is because you plan to use your „score“ against them later to win an argument and get their way.

Ya people have known this for millennia. It’s said at basically every wedding. But good on these researchers for keeping that journal quota up, science!

What I’m going to say doesn’t contradict the study, I don’t think, but keeping records can be useful if you’re frequently having arguments about perceived effort – chores, money, whatever. This probably already means the relationship is not gonna work out, but if you find yourself in this position, don’t shy away from keeping a private record, if nothing else to help ground your own perception.